B Words

B is for blubbering babies and beautiful baubles.

I've just come from a build-your-own-burger-bar and it got me thinking. With all of the bacon, blue cheese, buttery brioche buns, burgers, burritos, beef and buffalo I've been eating (all braised in butter), not to mention the bottles upon bottles of beer I have been drinking, I am going to be B-word fat by the end of these two weeks. What's B-word fat? I'll let my good friend (future friend, just wait) Patton Oswalt explain that.

Here, watch and learn.

Related to B-word fat are Fat Fingers in which people can tell you are fat by the text messages you send because you can't avoid hitting two letters at once. This can also apply to e-mails written. So when you're fat, no phone calls, no texts, no e-mails. When in this state it's best to cease all communication with others until you lose some weight. Just sit at home and sing the Boggis, Bunce and Bean song from Fantastic Mr. Fox until you no longer complete disgust yourself and scare small children. I'm not at that point quite yet but chili, corndogs and chowders in C weeks sure aren't going to help. But I'll worry about that later, for now I'm going to go eat bon-bons balanced on brownies in a boat of barbeque sauce with a bottle of bourbon.