B Advice

It's February, so I've decided to take some time to help the troubled lovers as Valentine's Day approaches, while remaining in the purview of these weeks. So, let's talk about boyfriends and break-ups. I'm highly qualified to discuss this topic as I've never been broken up with (WIN), although that is because, until recently, I had never had a boyfriend, but still, highly qualified nonetheless.

The difference between boy friends and boyfriends? Space. No, not outer space. Though you probably do select your boyfriends by determining which one of your boy friends does not like StarWars or Star Trek (pretends not to), or which one does have a spaceship-shaped bed. But I mean normal space. See that there: [ ]. In between those brackets. It's a space. That's the only difference between a boy friend and a boyfriend: space. Not just typographically, but some other -allys as well. If there's space between you and a boy who you consider to be your boyfriend, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically, comedically, geographically, he's just your boy friend. If there's no space between you and that boy you consider your 'best boy friend' and 'just like one of the girls', you better break it to him that he's your boyfriend and isn't gay afterall, even if you're not boning.

Here's a list to help you understand spaces of different kinds:

• Emotional - He cried just watching the cover of Marley and Me
• Mental - "Soduko with letters? That's sooo much harder."
• Intellectual - "What are you reading?" "A book by John Locke." "He wrote a book?!" "Uh, yeah, he wrote a few." "Does it explain why there are polar bears on the island?" "What?" "John Locke. From Lost." "No, the philosopher." "What?"
• Physical - He gets tired listening to the song, and thinks farts and burps count as "body talk". (...more like bawdy talk.)
• Comedic - The fact that something is not true is his sole criterion for comedy. Ex. "What color is that school bus?" "Blue. Ha. Get it?" "That you're color blind?"
• Geographic - Where he lives, it's already tomorrow.
• Numerical - "I remember Titanic." "The movie?" "No, the disaster." "From the movie?" "From 1912."

If these don't bother you, then don't break up, but if they do, remember, go BIG with your break-ups. That's what they really mean when they say to leave the relationship as the 'bigger person.' You gotta be Bad, you gotta be Bold, you gotta be...BIGGER.

All those things he never did for you on Valentine's Days past, you can do now.

Break Up Cake.

Break Up Skywriting.

Break Up Dinner. (Don't forget to break some plates on your way out. Bigger bill!)

Break Up Vacation. (One-way ticket for One to Budapest.)

Break Up in a Box (It's not a ring!)

Rule of Thumb: Go out with a Bang or a Beating. It's not a real break-up unless someone breaks some bones and leaves battered, bruised, or bloodied. Just ask Chris Brown.

I know I'm going BIG. Let's just say, when my boyfriend says "Man, she just dropped a bomb on me" he'll mean it, literally! BOMB. (Video features Black cowBoys, bombs, and Bling.)