A mint

A is for Altoids...aah, what?

Alright, it's been about a week since I started eat..er, chew?, snackin?, consum...since I bought a tin of Altoids, for one not-so-obvious reason - I have no self-control or patience when in line at the market and one very obvious reason - Altoids starts with an A. I've never been much of a mint or gum person. They say choose one, no need; I can choose none. There are not two types of people: mint or gum people just like there are not cat or dog people, because neither one is better than the other. Both are terrible in one way or usually more than one. And Altoids are a great example of that, but gum is gross. Sure, but Altoids are, well...
Expensive. I purchased a tin of these 'curiously strong mints' for $2.39 which averages to about $.09 per mint, or $.27 per serving. That's right. The people at Callard & Bowser recommend that you have 3 mints at one time. Considering the texture and color of Altoids, that would be similar to chewing on a 3 inch piece of chalk that happens to somewhat mask what you ate for lunch. I don't know why Altoids doesn't market exclusively to teachers. I also don't know if people actually have three Altoids at a time, but if I saw someone - particularly an instructor of some kind - gnawing on three of these powerful, white, powdery pills I would probably be as disturbed and disgusting as I am when I see someone smacking chewing gum. So, good job Altoids, you managed to make your breath-freshening substitute just as disgusting as it's chewy competitor with your serving suggestions.
Everywhere. Due to the decline in use of chalk boards in classrooms, Altoids does not market exclusively to educators, but they do advertise, boy do they ever advertise. Altoids wanted to be the Absolut Vodka of the mint world in the late '90s. Altoids advertises so extensively you would think they were offering you a product you've never heard of that is revolutionary in design and will significantly alter your life if not your view of mankind as well, but they aren't. It's a mint. They are trying to sell you a mint. If you need a mint, you'll buy a mint. Oh, but these are 'celebrated' mints, scratch that, the 'original celebrated' mint. Because we all know tic-tacs have been using up all of the party favors and confetti since they hit the scene. But goddamnit if Altoids weren't celebrated first. Celebrated for what, it doesn't matter. The fact that they claim to be celebrated at all is ridiculous and another reason they don't need to advertise. Do you know what else is celebrated? Birthdays, Holidays, fucking Christmas. These things don't advertise. You don't see birthdays taking up billboard space saying, 'Guess what comes once a year that you just cannot miss and you will love? Suspiciously Powerful Birthdays, bitch!' No, that does not happen, because we know. Altoids, we know.
Disturbing. It's not just that there are advertisements for Altoids, it's also the type of advertisements there are for Altoids. What kind of advertisements are those? Creepy. Altoids' advertisements are creepy and they always have been. Remember this one? Want to stick this retro-dominatrix cat lady near your mouth? Uh, no thanks Altoids. How about this one?

Testosteroids - freshens breath, sprouts genitalia! Ingredients: testosterone, peppermint. Packaged in a factory that uses nuts.

Altoids are intent on comparing itself with pain and manliness, so they can keep up this strong image, but not just strong, remember, curiously strong, which is why they also invite, encourage and demand, comparisons to drugs. C'mon Altoids, that's not going to make the other mints on the shelves think you're cool, just say no to equating yourself with drugs. Altoids is the attention hungry teenager that is constantly pretending to be something that it's not. And just like that teenager, it think it's original...and the first. Creepy, Altoids, creepy.

You can see all of the creepy Altoids ads on their website, presented in the most irritating manner possible.