B Movies

It's Friday. People see movies on Fridays, don't they? Oh well, I do, sometimes, but maybe not this weekend. The Bs aren't looking good. The As weren't that great either. So far the most difficult part of incorporating letters into my life has been watching letter-appropriate movies. Here's some B movies I won't be seeing this weekend but you might, if you're bored. (I threw in some As too, since I skipped them last week, and, hey, did you know AVATAR is still in theatres? No wonder Salinger never left the house...then killed himself.)

The Blind Side - This movie could have Billy Bob Thorton in it alongside Sandra Bullock and Kathy Bates eating bon-bons and baking biscuits, and I still wouldn't see it during B weeks or any other weeks, because they put everything I don't want to see in a single movie: true stories (actors prettier than the people they're playing), people helping people (guilt-trips), football, and Sandra Bullock. All it is missing is blue people, really. I don't care that's it's Based on a Book. Plus, we already made this movie. It was called Rudy, and it was great.

The Book of Eli - Okay, I'll credit them for clever advertisements. Did you know the name Eli is in so many words?! rELIgion. bELIeve. ELIte. EvIL if you scramble the letters around. I almost wanted to see it for a couple of seconds. But then I learned what it's about: the end of the world. No more water, no move buildings, no more life...okay, a couple of people survived, but most importantly NO LAWS. Boring. No one wants to see that. Do you know what this movie should be about? Eli Whitney. That man invented the Cotton Gin. And anything involving gin is good in my book. Eli Whitney is why the apocalypse hasn't come yet. That's the Book of Eli I want to see.

Bones, The Lovely - It doesn't start with B but it has a B in it and it's another Based-on-a-Book film, and by a woman no less, which are 2 parts of the reason I will not see it. The other parts being: 3) it looks terrible and 4) that little girl is creepy and her name looks ugly on posters (Saoirse Ronan). Stop making bad movies, Marky Mark. Stop it.

Avatar - Despite the presence of three As in the title including one at the beginning I did NOT see Avatar during A weeks. For those of you assuming I didn't see it because I had already seen it since it's been out for almost a month now, you're wrong. I did not see it because it looks awful. I don't care how many Golden Globe Awards it won or how many Oscars it might win. Sometimes the Hollywood Foreign Press and the Academy are wrong. For those of you assuming I didn't see Avatar because I saw Avatar IN 3D or Avatar: A 3D IMAX Experience, you're just stupid, they're all the same movie. And finally, for those of you thinking you can change my mind, you're fools. Avatar killed a man. I don't want to die, at least, not seeing Avatar, nor immediately after wasting 3 hours of my life. I gave you Titanic, Cameron, and I still want those hours back.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel - First, I really think there should be another 'q' in there (squeakquel). I did NOT see the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I don't really think I should have to explain myself on this one. Clearly it's because I don't want the memory of The Chipmunk Adventure movie ruined for me. That's the only singing chipmunk movie I need to see.

I'll probably just stay home and watch low budget B-movies or Basterds, Inglourious again. That works. By the way, if you haven't seen The Boy in the Plastic Bubble with John Travolta, that's what you're doing tonight.